求托福作文修改!Thepersonalandwork-relatedchallengesthatyoungpeoplefacetodayarenotanydifferentfromthechallengestheirparentsandgrandparentsfacedwhentheywereyoung.Didpeopleintheoldgenerationsunderthesamepressures

Question

求托福作文修改!
The personal and work-related challenges that young people face today are not any different from the challenges their parents and grandparents faced when they were young.
Did people in the old generations under the same pressures when they were in their twenties as we do now or were they faced with challenges which are totally different from ours?The answer varies from person to person .while although there ,indeed,exists some problems that had preyed on our grandparents,I still insist that both the personal and the work-lated challenges had changed vastly in many aspects.
In the past decades ,we came through the age of electricity and stepped into the era of information .hence our living standard and lifestyle has been perfected owning to the occurrence a host of high-tech products such as laptop,internet ,and smart phone ,which,in turn,gives birth to mess of problems with specific characteristics of this epoch .For example,imagining that you are working on a project a cold evening which has great impact on the meeting on the next morning .Suddenly there happens the electricity failure ,which prevents you from going on the significant task .Then you turn to you telephone for help.It unfortunately ,does not work either since it is using up the power too.Without electric power ,we can not continue work ing and even seeking assistance when there is an emergency .Therefore,people those who enjoys the convenience today would sometimes suffer when they deal with those new technology.
Apart from work-related troubles concerning the given high-tech tools ,some personal matters which distinct form what our grandparents handled constantly emerge and may probably be solved with new methods.A case in point is how to keep in touch with friends .Even though there are more approaches ,such as e-miles,short message ,MSN ,cellphones and so on,which we can exploit nowadays to keep in touch with our friends .the face to face talking becomes increasingly rare in the real life.As the communicating by air would fuel the affection between a couple,this reduction is likely to leave us in a more solitary situation.In addition ,the sense of aloneness coincidence with the overwhelming competitive tension derived from the highly roared population.As a result,many people get some psychological diseases,extremely sparse in the age when our grandparents lived
Admittedly ,it is undeniable that we share exact the same agonies as the olds did in some certain aspects such as the some pressures come out of the desire to gain excellent performance in study as well as in work.However,this will not be able to constrain apparent distinction between the two separate generations not only in the schools but also in the offices.

Answer 1

1.首先你的分段结构不太好
2.你没有明确的将你的想法表达,外国人看不懂隐晦的表达
3.应该在开头写出一个现象,表明你是怎样想到这个问题的
4.一开始就应该华为两排,说出没排的观点,理由,小小的解释一下
5.段与段之间,最好有明确的过渡词
6.一味的想要换些复杂的词,但是没有把握好他的意思,有些词用的不太合适