英语高手帮忙改正这句话中的语病Inrecentyears,themostemergingmergersinChinaarecross-industrymergers.Inmergerslikethis,notonlydothegovernancestructureandtheintegratedmanagementexperiencearenotyetperfectandadeq

Question

英语高手帮忙改正这句话中的语病
In recent years,the most emerging mergers in China are cross-industry mergers.In mergers like this,not only do the governance structure and the integrated management experience are not yet perfect and adequate,but also have many such remaining problems as the unclear stock ownership,the imperfect financial system,the disorderly-organizational structure,and the redundancy of personnel.

Answer 1

lz原文表达了丰富的意思.挺好的.
语法上,直接修改一处：In mergers like 【these】而不是 this,因为前面是复数的mergers.
选词和表达上,几点建议：
1、emerge 这个词在这里表意不是很明确.如果lz是说 known著名的 famous出名的 等意思,可以直接选相应的形容词.
主要也是考虑 emerge 和merger 的读音很象,而一句话里出现了这两个词3次,建议考虑增加变化.
2、建议将第二句按语意断成几个断句.主要是lz使用了比较多的口语词,则相应的说话的时候,更要注意断句；这样的长句,中间的语意往往比较难全面抓住.原句中 but also 后面的一大串表意上面的混乱也可以相应解决.
“ have many such remaining problems as the unclear stock ownership,the imperfect financial system,the disorderly-organizational structure,and the redundancy of personnel” 这部分（非完整句子,看意思应是缺主语）无法跟not only（后跟了完整句）部分对应.
3、额外,外国人比较倾向于采取正面、乐观的表达方式；在某些专业场合,即可以直接用肯定词的,尽量避免通过加否定词完成.例如：（not only ）do the governance structure and the integrated management experience are not yet perfect and adequate ＝ (not only) there are still room for improvements as to the governance structure and the integrated management strategies [of the merged companies].不过,这个也关乎个人写作风格,还以lz决定为准.
4、这几个词,希望lz经一步斟酌或明确：perfect and adequate,imperfect financial system,disorderly-organizational structure,redundancy of personnel.主要是感觉表述得太笼统了.例如：redundancy of personnel 是否指 the high redundancy rate of personnel?建议选用业内的通用描述.相信这个lz是专家.