好心人帮我改改托福作文崇拜的演员或运动员,WHY?Itisuniversallyacknowledgedthatfamouspersonshaveagreatinfluenceontoday'slife.Allthingsaboutthemsuchas"whataretheydoingnow","whatwilltheydointhefuture",ect,a

Question

好心人帮我改改托福作文
崇拜的演员或运动员,WHY?
It is universally acknowledged that famous persons have a great influence on today's life.All things about them such as "what are they doing now","what will they do in the future",ect,are concerned by people.Why?Just because of their excellent character loved and respected deeply by people.If I had a chance to meet a famous person,there is no deny that I would choose Jacky chen who is hard-working,obliging and what's more he brings China to the world.
First of all,when it comes to an excellent character of Jacky chen--hard-working,we can not emphasize the importance of that too much to his success.His success which is not by lucky like some other enterainers is owing to his consistent endeavour and that is the most important character which I admire.Once he acted as a dead man at the beginning of his career,and the director asked him to lie on the ground without moving.The ground was cold and his body was numb,but he did not give
up and sticked to the task until it was finished.Eventually,his excellent performance leads to his success.
Additional,successful as Jacky chen is,he never forgets to help others.We could find his shadow from lots of charities,as an example of his kindness one must only look at his recent efforts in China to help raise money for SARS research,and he was almost the first entertainer who standed out to do some charities for SARS.Also,After the earthquake in Si chuan province in China,he sent his donation of large amount money to the area and did lots of performance for free in order to let more people pay attention to the area.
What's more,Jacky chen is not only known by Chinese but also known by world,nothing is more important than to bring China to the world in his career.He began to go into Hollywood and did a good job like what he had done in China.Many of his movies are popular worldwide,such as RUSH TIME,WHO AM I,ect.His movies let more people know him as well as China.

Answer 1

我看了看,说实在的,咱俩英语水平差不多,要是让我写也应该和你差不多,
从你的文章里可以看出来,你应该是上过补习班的吧.
我这里谈不上什么帮你改,只是和你探讨一下.
结构上,我觉得你最好加一个结尾,做一个综述,也就是all in all ,in conclusion什么的,用来再次强化主旨
还有,我建议你在可行的时间内尽量多打些字,虽然字数多分不一定高,但是,好像老外喜欢字数多的文章.
还有一点,就是最好能过多样化,灵活化你的词汇,好像你用的都是高中词汇,
试着用同义词替换一下出现过多的词汇.
希望对你有帮助