请帮助修改雅思图表作文一篇,再估下分吧ThelinegraphillustratesthatthedemandforelectricityinEnglandduringasingledayinsummerandwinter.Thesecondpiechartindicateswhattheelectricityisusedforduringthesameperi

Question

请帮助修改雅思图表作文一篇,再估下分吧
The line graph illustrates that the demand for electricity in England during a single day in summer and winter.The second pie chart indicates what the electricity is used for during the same period in an average English home.
It can be seen from the line graph that the demand for electricty during typical days is more than twice as much in winter as it is in summer,peaking at 45,000 units at 10 p.m.in winter while bottoming at 30,000 units at 8 a.m..On the other hand,in Summer,the demand for electricity peaks at 20,000 units at 2 p.m.and bottoms at 15,000 units at 9 a.m.in a day.《Overall,the bottoming demand in winter days and the peaking demand in winter evening come one hour earlier than the corresponding figures in summer.》
According to the pie chart,the electricity is mainly used in four sectors in an average English home.Over a half of electricity (52.5%) is used for heating rooms or water,which is about three times than that used for oven,kettles,washing machies.Likewise,it can greatly explain why the electricity use is dramatic high in winter.However,the percentage of the electricity utilization in lighting,TV,radio is equal to that in vacuum cleaners,food mixers,and electric tools (15%).
字数有点多了,第二段用书名号的句子可以删除?是否会对分数有影响.

Answer 1

亲,无法评分,只能告诉你方法：
控制好下面的内容：
1、 开篇:明确指出文章的写作目的
a) 随着时间,变化
b) 大小的比较
2、 结尾：结合写作目的,明确的给出图表中最为重要的信息
a) 看变化：哪些对象上升,哪些对象下降,哪些不变
b) 看比较：哪个对象是“最好王者”
3、 细节分类讨论,给出一些支持结论的证据或过程
分段模式：2+X (2代表开篇和结尾;X代表分类的结果和图形的数量)
开篇：
1) 重点要突出“写作目的”change or compare “C&C”
2) 名词照抄,动词和抽象名词替换,时间和地点不变,但要突出“指代”
下面是一篇以描述比较为主的文章范例：选材
e.g. Cambridge 8 – Test 1
The chart compares the proportions of overgrazing, over-cultivation, deforestation and others. The table compares the percentages of overgrazing, over-cultivation and deforestation in North America, Europe and Oceania during 1990 – 2000. 文章的开篇与提示句不同之处在于：你是在看过图表后产生的具体的描述.
结尾：
Overall, it is clear that overgrazing, over-cultivation and deforestation are main causes of global land degradation, and that the primary causes of land degradation in the three areas were different : North America (Over-cultivation), Europe (Deforestation), and Oceania (Overgrazing), and Europe had the most seriously affected land of the three countries.
中间段：- 分段,每段的主题句如何支持最后的结论 X= 2
第一段：第一句：最大值, while第二句：接近的值归类. However, 其余的不重要的值
The most primary cause of land degradation in the world is over-grazing, accounting for 35%, while other two main causes are over-cultivation and deforestation, occupying 28% and 30% respectively. The reminder only takes up 7%.
23% of land in Europe was degraded, which was the most serious, and 9.8% of land degradation was caused by deforestation, as well as 7.7% (over-cultivation) and 5.5% (overgrazing). 13% of land in Oceania was spoiled, and 11.3% of land spoiled was because of over-grazing, while 5% of land was degraded in North America, and 3.3% of the land degradation was subject to over-cultivation.
A complete composition
The chart compares the proportions of overgrazing, over-cultivation, deforestation and others. The table compares the percentages of overgrazing, over-cultivation and deforestation in North America, Europe and Oceania during 1990 – 2000. 文章的开篇与提示句不同之处在于：你是在看过图表后产生的具体的描述.
The most primary cause of land degradation in the world is over-grazing, accounting for 35%, while other two main causes are over-cultivation and deforestation, occupying 28% and 30% respectively. The reminder only takes up 7%.