ielts大作文求修改意见~[题目]Somepeoplethinkmuseumsshouldbeenjoyableplacestoattractandentertainyoungpeople,whileothersthinkthepurposeofmuseumsshouldbetoeducate,notentertain.Discussbothsidesandgiveyourownopinion

Question

ielts大作文求修改意见~
[题目]Some people think museums should be enjoyable places to attract and entertain young people,while others think the purpose of museums should be to educate,not entertain.Discuss both sides and give your own opinion.
[正文]
some people consist that the role of museum is to attract and entertain the youth .however some others assume that the main purpose of museum is to educate.when it comes to me ,i prefer museum to be a place full of attraction and delight.
both attraction and entertainment are absolutely vital to museums .it is the exciting features of museums that makes people enjoy and take an interest in the fantastic exhibits.attraction makes possible for museums to draw people to visit them.once people meet the wonderful exhibits there ,the mystery of knowledge will be unveiled and then people will learn more.to cite an example,i knew nothing about and took no interest in space technology until i came across with a fantastic museum on a journey.the brilliant colors and artful structures of exhibits appealed to me so i begun to follow the space technology news with interests and found it a attractive field.
there is no doubt that the youth can be educated in museums.the grate inventions and lasted discoveries being showed there,people who are visiting them will learn a lot about the theme of the exhibition.however,the young people will not visit a rigid display when they want the entertainment of it.they will turn to a movie or a BBQ as far as they find that there is nothing in the museums but bald education.furthermore,the principal function of museums is to attract people to get awareness of the exhibitions and when concerning education,there are plenty of more appreciate places such as classroom,laboratory ,library and so on.
to conclude,in my view of opinion,the museums is principally to attract and entertain the youth while education might occur in museums but should take place mainly in some more suited places.

Answer 1

第一段要概括题目的观点,不要照抄题目.或者干脆抓住题目的重点【museum】写一两句来引入正题

这篇文章结构还可以,但是Chinglish的味道实在太重.建议多读一读国外的文章,比如The Economist杂志上的文章,让语言更通顺些.如果Economist太难的话就去看慎小嶷的《十天突破雅思写作》吧

总体来看是5分左右吧