帮我改下作文,改完后评价一下,MymostmemorableexperienceSomeunforgottensceneshavebeenenshrineddeepinmyheart,whichashappenedyesterday.Itisanaccidenthappened20yearsagoandistheworseexperienceinmylife.Ican’tfor

Question

帮我改下作文,改完后评价一下,
My most memorable experience
Some unforgotten scenes have been enshrined deep in my heart,which as happened yesterday.It is an accident happened 20 years ago and is the worse experience in my life.I can’t forget it.
As I was 5 years old,my family lived in a factory in which my mother worked.My father taught in another town where not far away forms us.Father came back home every week,I like him very much.We had a happy time although we were poor at that time.I can remember one of my friends who call Jane.Because of Jane had got a poliomyelitis her intelligence like 5 years old although she has 18 years old.Nobody likes to play with Jane but me.She is a nice girl.We play happily until that accidence happened.Everything had changed.
That day Jane and I got up early,we played as usual.It was a quite morning that just only server workers to prepared their breakfast.We peered over the workers set fire,after they done it,they put out the fire bur still remained some sparks.We looked these spark strangely,then Jane said:looked at these like start sparks,how beautiful they are!Why don’t we collect them and we want to see the start whenever we want” I was a 5 years old girl.I don’t know how dangerous these sparks are if we collect.I said to Jane:oh,that’s fantastic,let’s don’t it” we found plastic bag and put these sparks into the bag,then Jane hide them into her wardrobe.We were so happy we done such an incredible thing,but we didn’t know the sparks can cause conflagration.The disaster was coming.
Time was passing,about 11:00 o’clock some workers were checked off.Suddenly,someone shouted with a skilled sound:help!Help!It was firing,it was firing.Jane and I run quickly to see what happened.We were thrilled when we saw that situation.Jane’s house was firing and the fire spread quickly to others houses for our houses were made of wood.Someone has come up to the thrill,the fire were lost to control.They call the fire fighter immediacy,5 minutes later fire fighters have arrived.
Mother run quickly form the factory after she heard this news,mother said “thank goodness,you were safe “A hour,two hours,three hours passed,the fire had put out finally,people run into the demolitions want to fond something useful,but out of their respect,they found nothing.
20 years has passed,but this experience was fresh in my memory.I want to give some suggestion to the patents that have children.You are very necessary to tell your children that how dangerous to play fire.If not,it would cause serious accident.

Answer 1

As I was 5 years old的As用When是不是更加连通一些
,my family lived in a factory in which my mother worked中的in which 可以用where代替
My father taught in another town where not far away forms us.中的far away 词组用错可以删去away,另外forms拼错,froms.
Father came back home every week中的home可删
I can remember one of my friends who call Jane.中的call改为called
Because of Jane had got a poliomyelitis her intelligence like 5 years old although she has 18 years old.语序应调换
Nobody likes to play with Jane but me.中的but应该用except
We play happily until that accidence happened.Everything had changed.时态用错,主句应用过去式.
It was a quite morning that just only server workers to prepared their breakfast.中的only server workers to prepared their breakfast.应表伴随用过去进行时
实在对不起因为有事没有看完,希望能给你些帮助