请大家帮我给这篇雅思作文打个分!提些意见也可以!Asanimportantindustry,advertisingundoubtedlyhasthecontinuallygrowingglamourwhichgivesahandforstimulatingsociety’sdevelopment.Somepeoplethinkthatthereasonwhy

Question

请大家帮我给这篇雅思作文打个分!提些意见也可以!
As an important industry,advertising undoubtedly has the continually growing glamour which gives a hand for stimulating society’s development.Some people think that the reason why advertising can bring such an amazing sales volume is that it maintains the great power rather than people’s real need.From my point from my view,I can partly agree with this point.
Admittedly,people usually get what they need by comparing different brands of the same kind of product through advertising on TV or other media.Moreover,most of the ordinary families which are under the average living-standard and the majority of the middle-class families often make carefully expenditure plan according to their income,so they will be focus their expense mainly on the real need.
As it is,to begin with,in the modern society,the exceptional desire for products of some people surpasses their basic needs.A case in point,an increasing number of nowadays young people make themselves keep pace with the society by buying latest products,such as the digital products.So advertising satisfies their desires to pursuing the fashion.Secondly,advertising undoubtedly plays a guiding role among customers.It provides numerous messages such as the quality,the function,the figure of any category about products and especially the promotional information which can attract a great many customers to have the willingness to buy what they didn’t actually need at the moment.In addition,celebrity endorsement can not only greatly bring profit but also sometimes make people buy the products blindly,which,however,reflects the profound influence generated by advertising on people’s daily expense and expense-concept.
In brief,advertising gradually expands its influence on society and its invisible strength continually exaggerates consumers’ actual needs.As a consequence,an increasingly large number of consumers buy extra products more than their basic needs because of the power of the advertising.
能否给打个严格点的分数再~

Answer 1

If I were to summarise the above essay in one word,it would be:weird.If I were to summarise in one sentence,it would be:The lack of complete mastery over grammar,syntax,semantics and vocabulary leads to an overly ornate essay with bizarre embellishments which ultimately clouds the arguments.
Every single sentence has the potential to shine,and yet,every sentence requires serious polishing.We'll begin with the first sentence:'continually' is an adverb which describes a verb; 'glamour' is as noun.Therefore,the correct form would be 'continual' - an adjective.Anyone would be able to see that much of the essay is redundant repetition - I would delete the opening 'As an important industry',because the word 'undoubtedly' secures the significance of advertising in itself.The start of your second sentence is composed of unnecessary chew on words.It can be simplified into something as clear as this:Some people think the reason advertising is able to bring ...
Also,specify what the 'great power' is.Influence?Exploitation of fear?The various wanton needs of human society or individual?Endorsements?Combinations of all those factors?(In the case that a combination is what you have in mind,note every element of the combination.)
As with all essays,learn when to elaborate,and when to subdue flutters of the flowery tongue.
Also,'I can partly agree with this point' is not a valid option.At all.Even if you only do 'partly' agree with it,you have to specify your complete perspective by stating where the other part stands.In other words,you have to spend at least half of your essay justifying WHY you only 'partly' agree with it.
To be honest,this essay is simply mediocre.You are struggling to project your points across to the responder,and in order to substitute for a lack of main idea,you use flowery language.To improve on this essay,know what it is you really want to say.After you really comprehend the core of your essay,the backbone which holds it up,THEN would you begin to adorn it as an exhibition of vocabulary.
Not to discourage you - but you ought to know - I hardly understood what point you were trying to make.And if you would like my serious opinion,then I would tell you this -
Begin again from scratch.
Well,good luck!