帮忙改下这篇文章IwasborninthebirthplaceofChineseculturewhichisConfucius'shometown.Igraduatedfromhighschoolin2008.Myinterestinsciencedatesbacktomyyearsinmiddleschool,whereIexcelledinchemistry,physics,andm

Question

帮忙改下这篇文章I was born in the birthplace of Chinese culture which is Confucius's hometown. I graduated from high school in 2008. My interest in science dates back to my years in middle school, where I excelled in chemistry, physics, and mathematics, and I always really pay attention to the electronic information science and technology news. I've always wanted to accept the international first-class industrial Electronics & Control education. I hope that through in Sino-British college after four years of study in the home, can even more in the foreign engaged in the industrial Electronics & Control research or teaching career. In the heart, the ideal in the Sino-British college will be the best platform for me. So I will study hard and try my best to get good marks. I'll use my four years in the university to expand my future ideal career development space, in order to adapt to the rapid development of the information society and life skills, based on the society. Senior foreign teachers team, taught in English learning ways of advanced international teaching environment, and standardized management system, the college is my yearning to Sino-British international school. Sino-British College of the University of Shanghai for Science and Technology is the present domestic leading into the system, the scale and intensive introduction overseas first-class university education resources institute of international excellence. I hope can pass in Sino-British academy of learning, widely browse excellent information comprehensive development of individuals, I no longer confined to a Chinese way of thinking. At the same time, I think this is a high quality education in pursuit of resources environment, rigorous academic attitude, to realize my ideal and personal success for my life, make their own contribution to the society.

Answer 1

你好，你的文章我已经看到到了，总的说来，还是不太成熟的一篇文章。这里我就不客气的指出你的错误了，不管你爱听不爱听，因为要考试了，我必须将你的问题直言不讳的指出来。 你的文章我只改了第一段，因为第二段我没有办法改了，第一段你也不要照现在的样子说，因为虽然我没有参加过这类考试，但是如果我是主考官的话，我可能会给你及格，但不会给你打高分，因为你的文章结构，如果你自己将它翻译成汉语，你念给你爸爸听一下，看看如果主考官的话，他会录取吗？我认为，自我介绍的都有一个固定的模式的，你的自我介绍翻译过来之后非常没有层次感，没有结构，有的时候是在说自己，有时候在说中英学院，有时候在说理工大学，已经说过了，又回过头来讲中英学院，自己的事情，显得很乱。 我的建议是，你到网上搜一下，比如他们写出国申请信的时候有的人也要自我介绍的，虽然不是很一样，大体都有套路的，你的第二段语法错误相对较多，主要是结构不是很好，我不给你改了，你重新写一篇吧，可以到网上去参考，也可以找语老师给你写一篇。 I was born in Shandong Province Jining City ，which is Confucius's hometown. I graduated from a high school in 2008. My favourite subject is science .So, In science and engineering, I always get a good 分数(“分数”的具体单词我忘记了，你自己查一下，有点像mark) and I always pay attention to the electronic information and technology news. I am looking forward to learning industrial Electronics & Control in I Sino-British college, because I am so interested in engaging and doing research work in that aera after graduating from （这里应该用“上海理工大学”，但是他的官方说法肯定不是University of Shanghai for Science and Technology university，自己查一下）. If I can be admitted to the International School of Sino-British ，I will treasure this hard-won opportunity to learn industrial Electronics & Control. I will try my best to study and develop my potential. I will make a plan of my studying life scientifically and rationally ,in order to develop my future career . and also ,I will Learn to adapt to the rapid development of social skills.(这个地方有四个I will的句子，说的时候要有排比句的语气) 注：这里不要用过多的修饰词，太多了反而把想表达的东西淹没了，不要太华丽的辞藻。 第二段，重新写。