麻烦高人看看我这篇短文有多少语法错误,结构错误,用词错误.麻烦改详细些,我会加分的.GlanceatthegraphprovidedshowthedemandforelectricityinEnglandduringtypicaldaysinwinterandsummer.Thepiechartconcer

Question

麻烦高人看看我这篇短文有多少语法错误,结构错误,用词错误.麻烦改详细些,我会加分的.
Glance at the graph provided show the demand for electricity in England during typical days in winter and summer. The pie chart concerning the information of English home used electricity.
According to the graph, we can see clearly that English home in winter consume electricity high than summer (the winter always above 30,000). Electricity consumption fluctuates during 0hrs to 12hrs. Electricity is used by English home at 2hrs what reach 40,000. And at 9hrs, it drop to 30,000. The consumption of electricity rise slowly from 38,000 to 41,000 at afternoon. At night, the electricity consumption is the maximum in all day. It soars rapidly from 41,000 to 45,000 during 19hrs and 23hrs. An ultimate one clock in all day ,it plunge dramatically down 35,000.
Let we look at the second curve of this graph. It indicate that the information of the English home consume electricity in summer. It different from the winter’s curve, it have not huge change in all day.
The electricity consumption always wave between the 12,000 and 18,000, but at the 9hrs it reach the bottom at 12,000 and at the 13hrs it reach the highest point at 20,000.
The pie chart illustrate the type of the electricity, we find that heating room and water occupy 52.5 pre cents. Radio and TV consumption is 15 pre cents. Similarly, vacuum cleaners and food mixers(我想表达:吸尘器和food mixers消耗电的比例与radio,TV是相同的都是15%,). Remainder consumption is provided the ovens, kettles and washing machine.
All in all, according to these picture, we find that the English home use electricity information and type of consumption between winter and summer.
帮忙改作文的各为大侠（侠女），首先谢谢各为的无私帮助。只是小弟我的英语语法太差。所以麻烦改的时候能不能呢个写出错误的原因和为什么这样改呢。对于各位的辛勤劳动无以为报，只有在采纳标准答案时再多加50分了。

Answer 1

前面的我是在原文基础上改的,括号的是需要修正的.后面太乱了,就直接改了.你对照一下原文就知道了.
Glance at the graph provided （which) (原句里有glance,show两个动词,语法上错误,加上which,把它变成了从句）
shows(主语graph是单数） the demand for electricity in England during typical days in winter and summer. The pie chart (concerns with) （整句句子里没有动词,所以把concern作为动词,concern with sth.是固定搭配）
the information of (electricity that used in English families.)（这个词组表达错误,英国家庭一般用English families）
According to the graph, we can see clearly that (in winter) （句子较长时,时间状语放前面比较符合英语表达方式）(the consumption of electricity in English families is larger（数量用large,不用high) than that in summer ) (in winter always above 30,000). Electricity consumption fluctuates during 0:00 to 12:00. The consumption of electricity （电力消耗用这个词组表达）at 2:00 is about 40,000. At 9:00, it drops to 30,000. However, （前后句意思反差较大,加个转折连词表达更通顺）the number rises slowly from 38,000 to 41,000 in the afternoon.（在下午,介词用in,in the afternoon) In the evening, the electricity consumption reaches the maximum in the whole day.(一整天中,这是固定表达） It soars rapidly from 41,000 to 45,000 during 19:00 to 23:00. At 0:00 ,（在一整天中的最后一小时,就是0：00）it plunges(主语单数） down to 35,000.
Let's （没有 let we这个说法）look at the second curve of this graph. It indicates（单数） the information of the consumption of electricity of English familie in summer. It differs（different是形容词,它的动词是differ) from that of the winter. It doesn't change greatly （表达程度的副词用greatly) in one day.
The electricity consumption usually waves between 12,000 and 18,000, but at the 9:00 it drops (下降至,用drop比较好）to 12,000 and at 13:00 ,it reach the highest point of （具体数值用0f表达）20,000.
The pie chart illustrates(单数） the amount of eletricity that used by different electrical equipments. （电力使用分布,根据上下文的意思来看,应该是指不同电器使用的电力,所以这样改）We find that the eletricity used （使用在烧水和供暖系统的电力占到.所以主语应该是使用的电力,）in heating rooms and water occupy 52.5 percents of the total consumption. Radio and TV consums 15 percents, which is the same amount that vacuum cleaners and food mixers used.（这个就是吸尘器和food mixers消耗电的比例与radio,TV是相同的都是15%） The remainders are shared by the ovens, kettles and washing machine. （剩余的是复数,动词用share比较恰当）
In conclusion, （总之,比all in all要更地道）according to these picture, we can find the information of eletricity used in English families and kinds of electrical equipments that used in winter and summer.