好心人帮我看看这个作文能得多少分吧~Inmanycountries,workersover60canstillbefoundintheworkplace.However,somepeoplethinkitmaycausesomesocialproblemsandtheyshouldgetretired.Towhatextentdoyouagreeordisagree?

Question

好心人帮我看看这个作文能得多少分吧~
In many countries,workers over 60 can still be found in the workplace.However,some people think it may cause some social problems and they should get retired.To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Nowadays,the average age of populations in the entire world is raising up gradually,in some countries,government adopts schemes such as upward the standard age of retire to maintain the productivity output.However some sociologists claim that elder employees take many potential risks to the society,and they approve to retire the people who over 60 but still working.Under the argument i believe that a negative influence will coming to our society promptly if we decide to retire them at all.
The reason lead to scarce fresh productivity in the new century marketing due to the limitation of regeneration of birth in the largest population of country in the world--China.As the common recognitions that although China has the 1/5 population of world,many evidences prove that there are two over three of population over or close to the age of retire standard.Therefore the government had to adjust the polities to avoid any unstable social statement which include inflation,urgent productivity,social violence happening.Under this circumstance governments need to reconsider the consequence people who get retired over 60 before the problems could caused to keep them on the position.
Moreover,follow the deterioration of physical condition,old people is not able to perform the same quality work as strong and accurate as the youngs,however the advantages of old people on especially areas are apparently important.A fall into a pit,A gain in your wit means to elders who have abundantly experience on their working history,they have excellent ability to coaching or paperwork such as teacher,accountant or government officials.Social development not only require the contribution of our descendants,also the knowledge from old people is significant and necessary.
In the conclusion,whether the governments raise the standard of retire age for protect social stabilize,or sociologists confirm that the old people have been suffering on the pressure of working and spurring the social problems,in my standpoint to solve the problem,we should replace old people from danger and heavy pressure position and retain the people who can create the benefit for the society.

Answer 1

average age -> average life expectancy
or with an aging population in many countries around the world.
upward retire age -> raise the retirement age
take many potential risks to the society->create present many potential risks to the society
they approve to retire the people who over 60 but still working->
they agree that a retirement age of 60 should be enforced in today's society.
Under the argument i believe that a negative influence will coming to our society promptly if we decide to retire them at all.
-> In my opinion,I believe our society will experience a negative impact if the retirement age is not raised within the near future.
你的第一段,我改了很多.
这是几年级的英文?刚刚开始,最好写简单点,别人才看得懂.
假如是国外高中的话,及格的边缘溜达吧