求高手指点托福独立写作,求批改!水平很有限,帮忙看看大概的错误和分数,谢谢!题目是：同不同意政府应该把钱花在艺术馆和音乐厅呢还是基础设施,像游泳池Thanksforthedevelopmentofeconomy,gove

Question

求高手指点托福独立写作,求批改!水平很有限,帮忙看看大概的错误和分数,谢谢!
题目是：同不同意政府应该把钱花在艺术馆和音乐厅呢还是基础设施,像游泳池
Thanks for the development of economy ,government’s investment has an increasingly significant role in modern society,. Yet at the same time ,people are divided over whether government be support to invest in more cultural productivities .some people, as a result ,support that the advantage of vest in art place prevail over it is dis advantage .theoretically, it may true, but in reality, I think vest in facilities is more important.
The primary factory we need to take into consideration is that set up more facilities are batter for our bodies. Because we are living in competition age and we have to face a lot of things to solve, such as peer pressure and work pressure .so we may be have some psychological and physical diseases ,its harmful our health .Furthermore, some facilities can help us to excise strong body ,such as swimming pool or play ground. history filled with is example of abraham lincoln , he was a celebrity and well-know in America . In his childhood ,he was keen on sport with his friend and family,such as football. having a strong body is a foundation for my life that have a harmonious family and a successful work.
Additionally, from a society economy .setting up facilities are more money-consuming than art museums , but it is effect is more evidence .moreover , more facilities are suitable for every people including children or senior citizens .on the contrary ,art or museums just suitable for understand people .
I would acknowledge that set up music performance can expend our outlook ,however, when human being s enjoy their life with music or art , is not necessary that they give some consideration to some vest in live in poverty people?
Having considered all the arguments above, in my opinion, both form practical and economy perspectives I think if government use more money in facilities ,the effective will more worth.

Answer 1

头太长了 而且感觉你把大词都用在开头了 但是the development of实在是太普遍了 论述的太少了 像第三段 用让步的方法可以说很多 比如 我必须承认音乐厅和艺术馆也有它建设的必要 但是实情是people更需要 基础设施 因为什么什么 分数3.5-4.5