能给这篇雅思作文打个分吗Nowadays,it*smoreandmorecommonforstudentstotakepart-timejobsduringvacations.However,manystudentschoosetotravel.Inmyipinion,studentsshoulddevelopabilitiesandaccumulateexperiencethatcanhelp

Question

能给这篇雅思作文打个分吗
Nowadays,it*s more and more common for students to take part-time jobs during vacations.However,many students choose to travel.In my ipinion,students should develop abilities and accumulate experience that can help them handle problems.Therefore,i maintain the idea that students should take part-time jobs in their spare time.
Firstly,taking part-time jobs can cultivate social skills of teenagers,because during this process ,they can learn how to deal with all kinds of interpersonal relationships at workplace.As we know,teenagers must work with or meet different sorts of people,so they will obtain many useful skills which can*t be taught in average classroom setting.Ackonwledging more social skills can also make it easier for teenagers to land a decent job in the future.A good case in point is Microsoft is more likely to hire candidates with a minimum of two years working experience before graduating,as they think candidates who meet this criterion,compared to common graduates,are more sophisticated.That*s why more than 80% students in universities are eager to work in their leisure time,for they will get both valuable social skills and higher quanification for good jobs.
Secondly,teenagers will develop their ability to manage money through taking part-time jobs.They will soon find out how difficult it is to make money.As a result,teenagers begin to know how to make good use of the money earned by themselves instead of using them improperly.The ability to dominate money is a practical,attractive skill which is necessary to those who want to live a high quality life.For instance,the liitle son of Li Jiacheng,who is the richest man in asia,took several part-time jobs while studying in America in order notto recieve help from his father.That made him a successful but thrifty buisnessman.
Finally,having a part-time job can motivate a teenager to be more diligent.Travelling is always regarded as a relaxing activity,while taking a part-time job is generally seen as a demanding task.Thus,they have to work really hard to finish them in time.Many prominent people in history also took part-time jobs in adolescents.They increased their konwledge ,polished their skills,and developed their potentials.It*s part-time jobs that gave them the motivation to achieve great accomplishments in the future.
For these reasons,i beleive it*s quite wise for a teenager to take a part-time job in his or her spare time,and he or she will get a great deal of positive inspirations.I strongly recommand that the schools and parents should give teenagers more opportunities to do part-time jobs.

Answer 1

应该是6吧
可以看出来你对雅思的写作下了很多功夫
文章中可以很明显地看到雅思经典套句
有的句子我考的时候也用过呢~
给你一点建议吧 个人意见
1.结构 从结构来看 你是习惯写五段式的 不过我认为你应该在中间三段中加重前两段的分量 让步段通常是要少于前两个论证段的 当然了具体怎么写还是看你的想法 不过既然选择五段式 而且不是native speaker的情况下 还是要中规中矩地遵从习惯吧
2.句式 我想句型应该更加多变一些 这个并不难 你只要再写的时候记住 这一句写了主谓结构 下一句就一定用别的就行了 常用的海不容易错的 比如 正常句型 倒装 被动语态 强调句 there be 句型等等 句型多变是写作成功的重要因素
3.词汇 多运用四六级词汇而不是高中英语词汇 以你的第一段为例 rising rapidly 这里的rapidly就是一个应该被换掉的词 换成dramatically considerably significantly等等 另如I disagree这些词汇像agree disagree在老外眼中是见得最多的 也就最不容易拿分 你可以说 You hold the view 或者vote for
总之这是我的一些小小的建议
不过看你这篇文章 考试的时候如果能够控制住字数
并且能够按时间完成的话 6分是没有问题的
都是考过雅思的朋友