我30号考雅思,很担心小作文,写了一篇剑桥雅思7上的,考过的前辈应该做过,Aswecanseefromthesepiechart,thestructureofenergybetweenAustraliaandFranceweredifferentintheyear1980and2000.While,therewerealsoso

Question

我30号考雅思,很担心小作文,写了一篇剑桥雅思7上的,考过的前辈应该做过,
As we can see from these pie chart,the structure of energy between Australia and France were different in the year 1980 and 2000.While,there were also something in common.Both Australia and France were,beyond doubt,the units of electricity by fuel source were climbing up dramatically during the period from 1980 to 2000.We can witness that for Australian from 100 units to 170 nuits,and for France,from 90 units to 180 units,almost doubled.
In Australia,by the year 1980,coal for the electricity make a great contrubite to the fuel,even in 2000,coal still used as the main sourse of fuel,with a production of 130 units electricity.And other remainder was produced from hydro power,natural gas and oil.What worthy to focus on is that from 1980 to 2000,only hydro continued to be another significant sourse supplying approximately 20%.
In contrast,France used coal as a sourse for only 25 units of electricity in 1980,which was as many as natural gas,and the remaining 40 units were produced greatly by oil and and nuclear power,with hydro power contributing only 5 units.But great changes had taken pace in 2000,unclear,which was not used at all in Australia played such a vital role in France with a production of 126 units electricity,almost 75%.While coal and oil together only produce 50 units.Other sourses samed no longer significant.
Overall,it is clear that by 2000 these two countries relied on different principal fuel sourses:Australia relied on coal,while,France relied on nuclear power.

Answer 1

1.\x05请检查拼写和谓语动词搭配
2.\x05文章结构很好,个别句子可删减
3.\x05过去的数据用过去时,检查时态
4.\x05更多体现饼图percentage的特征
5.\x05更多的比较,不是只做数据陈列
6.\x05最好注意英式拼写与美式拼写的不同
以下是修改过的,不一定全对.我也看过范文,觉得语言和写作风格能学习,但是逻辑结构每个人不一样.最重要是多练习怎么安排数据的分析,做到有条理却不需要面面俱到,语言不用很复杂都可以.修改后共219,考场上还是容易写够的.
The following charts illustrate the fuel sources contain in units of electricity for two countries – Australia and France.Both of which were,beyond doubt,the total productions of electricity climbed up dramatically from 1980 to 2000.Specifically,the figure of Australia increased from 100 to 170 units,and for France,it showed a double growth from 90 to 180 units.
In Australia,by the year 1980,coal made a great contribution to the fuel production with 50%,and it kept the leading position in 2000,holding approximately 75%.Similarly,the hydro power increased slightly from 20 to 36 units.While both natural gas and oil experienced declines from 20 and 10 units to only 2 units respectively.
In comparison of France,however,the hydro power dropped from 5 to 2 units being the minor source,whilst the oil ascended from 20 to 25 units.It is notable that coal and natural gas were the main electricity sources in 1980,with the same figure of 25%.Specially,the nuclear power,which was not used at all in Australia,had a steady raise from 15 to 126 units of electricity,ranking the first among all elements.
Overall,it is clear that by 2000 these two countries relied on different principal fuel sources:Australia relied on coal and France relied on nuclear power.