托福16号就考试了,作文怎么办啊!求批改.第一次写.救人一命胜造七级浮屠啊TEACHERSHOULDNOTMAKETHEIRSOCIALORPOLITICALVIEWSKNOWNTOSTUDENTSINTHECLASSROOM.Inthemodernworld,educationisplaysaveryimportantrol

Question

托福 16号就考试了,作文怎么办啊!求批改.第一次写.救人一命胜造七级浮屠啊
TEACHER SHOULD NOT MAKE THEIR SOCIAL OR POLITICAL VIEWS KNOWN TO STUDENTS IN THE CLASSROOM.
In the modern world,education is plays a very important role in creation of a country‘s future .When it comes to education,many people think at teachers should not make their views of some sensitive issues known to students.As far as I concerned,I agree with this statement.
First is a country does not have stable methods to deal with society and politics,the problems just come in.when a country introduces a new law ,their will be a great number of agreement and disagreement .If a teacher shows his/her opinion about it,there may be students that argue about it,because everyone has his/her own ideas.It is a useless argument because we can not change it.
Also,the social and political views have lots of issues to understand.If a teacher talk about it,the students’ thoughts may be confined by this .it is really harmful for young people emphasize the social variety problems.
Admittedly,the teacher is human bending and male mistakes,too .They will have their own thoughts about society ,it is normal ,but if they have opposite views about this (even they are totally wrong.),there is no doubt that it will send false messages to students about society.
In light of everything .I would like to say that I personally agree with the statement .Although teacher should give students right aspects about some questions ,but when it involve politics ,it better to hide their own opinion.
我胜败在此一举啊,救人一命胜造七级浮屠啊,
请告诉我还有那些有加强的,我的致命缺点,
我的水平能考几分啊?

Answer 1

In the modern world, education is plays(一般现在时,直接是education plays.把is去掉） a very important role in creation of a country‘s future .When it comes to education（when it comes的it指代不明,你可以改成when concerning about the contemporary education）, many people think at（think at用法不对,改成think that...的从句型式） teachers should not make their views of some sensitive issues known to students. As far as I concerned, I agree with this statement.
First is a country does not have stable methods to deal with society and politics(改成Firstly, a country does not...,不然句子没主语), the problems just come in（the problems.in这句去掉,很罗嗦.）. when a country introduces a new law , their （是there,不是their)will be a great number of agreement and disagreement . If a teacher shows his/her opinion about it(it指代不明）, there may be students that argue about it（there be 句型在形容人时不能用,直接改成many students might argue it.), because everyone has his/her own ideas. It （it 再次指代不明）is a useless argument because we can not change it.
Also, the social and political views have lots of issues to understand. If a teacher talk about it, the students’ thoughts may be confined by this（是it,不是this） .it is really harmful for young people（+to） emphasize the social variety problems.
Admittedly, the teacher is human bending（human beings） and male mistakes, too（这句太诡异了,什么意思?） . They will have their own thoughts about society ,it is normal ,but if they have opposite views about this (even they are totally wrong.), there is no doubt that it will send false messages to students about society.
In light of everything . I would like to say that I personally agree with the statement .Although teacher should give students right aspects about some questions ,but when it involve politics ,it（+is） better to hide their own opinion.
语法错误比较多,有些我没改出来,眼睛花了都.
其次,我觉得你第二个和第三个观点都在说一个事情,第一个观点和论述驴头不对马嘴,第二个和第三个太苍白了,其实这个题目很好写的,第一个观点你说国家没有稳定的方法去处理社会和政治问题,后面又说老师提出自己的观点会遭到学生的质疑,明显对不上,你完全可以说老师们会有不同的政治倾向,也许会过于偏激什么的,学生的心智发展不成熟,容易受到误导.
然后第二个观点写,政治问题相当的sophisticated和complicated,并不是老师在课堂上凭借personal inclination就可以让学生了解的,很容易让学生养成以偏概全的思维方式,这对他们今后人生的发展是很不利的.
最后你要写让步段的话,你可以说,诚然从小让学生接触政治可以培养孩子的国家荣誉感和对社会的责任心,但是了解政治的世界可以通过很多种方式,不一定要放在课堂上,因为课堂是接受基础教育的地方,政治可以是一种延伸知识的培养.
还有就是你的词汇用的比较苍白,试着去找一些有难度的替换词汇来让自己的文章更漂亮,还有就是句式的问题,但是我觉得你先不要考虑怎么让句子写的多么华丽,只要明明白白的把意思讲清楚,就很好了,最可怕的是写了一堆考官根本看不懂你写的什么,比如你第三个观点句我就没看懂啥意思.
总之你的文章总体是有套路的,这样也有好处,就是行文比较有条理,也方便快捷.
主要问题就是语法错误比较多,容易让人不知所云,还有就是观点比较苍白,没有说服力.最后就是用词过于简单.
唉,反正作文嘛,一点点来,一点点练,一点点积累,欲速则不达,加油吧!
至于能得几分嘛.我觉得fair吧,中间水平.2.5~3.0之间吧.我觉得托福作文真的改的挺松的,稍微写的有一点点文采就直接good了,呵呵.因为不知道你综合怎么样,所以总分不好估计.