急急~~帮忙改一下托福作文有什么经验也可以介绍一下!4月10日就要考了,怎么办!作文放到太傻上也没人帮忙改,哪位好心人帮我打打分,介绍一下临考经验也行!特别是到底该怎样用模板呢,不

Question

急急~~帮忙改一下托福作文 有什么经验也可以介绍一下!
4月10日就要考了,怎么办!作文放到太傻上也没人帮忙改, 哪位好心人帮我打打分,介绍一下临考经验也行!
特别是到底该怎样用模板呢,不要说自己研发个模板,唉,要是有那个水平就好了
题目：Government should spend more money in support of arts than in support of athletes such as state-sponsored Olympic teams
文章：Art and sports both play a unique role in today's society. Despite various responses people may have on the topic concerning the issue regarding the finance of these two fields. I, given the chance, prefer to endorse that art has the primary consideration.
First and foremost, art represents various culture and elements. It remains the evidence of human beings' long history. Any religion can not live without art, which help people realize the faith of church and gospels. Each and every revolution in this world is accompanied by the emergence of art in that artists acutely sense the circumstances and they reflect their sensations with sophisticated techniques in their works. No doubt it's vital to grasp the past and take advantage of it to make our current life better.
In addition, artists are those who barely consider money so that there are always myriads of artists died of starvation and poverty. On the contrary, athletes especially the distinguished ones gain more money by endorsing some products and starring in commercials on TV. Not only are athletes more easily obtain reputation and money, but also they are more likely to get involved in business and thus earn income. In order not to interfere artists' characteristics, putting more resources into the industry which seem on edge today is practical and unavoidable.
Finally, art as a means of recreation are suitable and beneficial for all people. Watching landscape paintings sooth fatigue and stress from work, and acquiring the ability to appreciate classical arts enhances critical thinking and aesthetic sensation for students.
On the other hand, sponsoring sports activities also has merits. The sponsorship improves people's enthusiasm in exercising which benefits physical health. There are also a multitude of sports fans who regard sports programs as an inevitable part of their spare time propensities, so the government should not ignore the inclination of vast majorities of people.
In sum, people in charge should take both culture elements seriously. My heartfelt agreement to the idea that arts hold more vital status is, however, coincident with many people. The weak arts industry requires more capital to maintain its vitality.
AizenX: 能不能详细一点有什么语法错误以及用词不当啊~~~拜托了~~~~
我用word文档查了一下是没有语法错误的了。。。

Answer 1

这是你写的吗?有不少语法错误,用词也有错误.如果你想写篇好文章的话,用flow chart的方法来打草稿,写一个summary,然后再elaborate.至于例子,只能靠平时积累（突击背一下也行,背通用段）.在文章衔接方面,还能用furthermore,coincidentally,last but not least等等（有很多）.至于你说的模子,我不太清楚那是什么.如果你想让批卷人耳目一新的话,建议不要把这些连词用的太明显了.
还有,文中的用词最好不要重复,这样能体现你的词汇量.
（灾难（地震）救援和温室效应是常说的话题,建议看看吧）