刚开始学托福写作,这是我得第一遍练习,能力很有限,错误很多,希望大家帮我看看能的多少分?能得15吗?同不同意一个很低薪水得工作伴有很长的假期比一个很很高的薪水得工作假期很少.Inpres

Question

刚开始学托福写作,这是我得第一遍练习,能力很有限,错误很多,希望大家帮我看看能的多少分?能得15吗?
同不同意一个很低薪水得工作伴有很长的假期比一个很很高的薪水得工作假期很少.In present-day society,money plays an increasingly significant role in the accommodate needs of life .a majority of people regard that job the aim for earn money.Yet at the same time ,people are divided over whether obtain several works without long time vacation and relax time .Some people ,as a result,oppoes that the advantages of have a amount of vacation with get a low reward prevail over its disadvantage .Theoretically ,may be is true ,but in reality,I think lower reward with longer vacation is better.
The primary factory we should need to take into consideration is that longer vacation can relax our body and ease our mind,because we have to face some issues and deal with them in modern society .For example ,peer pressure,family pressure and so on.If we make a lot of work day by day,psychological and physical dieses will ensue .So,taking along time vacation can get a health body .Moreover ,in the journey ,we also have chance to find some new people and make friendship or learn some useful things to expend our outlook and may be its can help our to think about this world with new
eyes.
Additionally ,from a economical perspective ,money isn’t essential ingredient of our life,if we have not enough money ,we can better survival as well.It is wrong to equate between happiness with have a bigger house or have a lager bank account .History is filled with the example of Abarham Linclon ,he have not a amount of money ,but he still is well –know in America .Furthermore.except money ,there are a lot of thing is more essential than money,such as good interpersonal relationship ,harmonious family.
I would acknowledge that some people be more mindful money ;however,when human beings acquire more bill,is not necessary we give some consideration on other place or careful your healthy
Having considered all the arguments above .In my opinion,both from healthy and money perspective,get a long work without high money is benefit than overload work with amount of money.Although,we can get more money with high-playing job ,but we should more concerned on other field.

Answer 1

建议楼主加强语法,大致扫了3秒钟就发现一堆语法错误,错的太明显了都没法往下看了.
说理尚可吧我觉得,基本表达自己观点.
多加强语法更重要对于你来讲.
我给你大概18分吧.