托福作文求指教,评分IwasamazedwhenIhearpeoplesayingthattheadviceoftheelderlyisgettinglesscrucialforteenagerscomparedtothatoftheyoung.Asformethreefactorssimplebutoverwhelminglysignificant,havegovernedmydecisi

Question

托福作文求指教,评分
I was amazed when
I hear people saying that the advice of the elderly is getting less crucial for
teenagers compared to that of the young. As for me three factors simple but
overwhelmingly significant, have governed my decision: the pursuit for
time-tested value, the longing for immortal life experience and the search for
the presence of modern grandparents. Therefore, I without hesitation, maintain
that it is the smart old people’s advice that helps us gain fabulous lives
without mistakes that we shouldn’t have make.
First and
foremost, we benefit from eternal truth told by grandparents from various
aspects. On one hand, we can adjust ourselves into best states when listening
to grandparents who have already used their experience to validate them. Take
me as an example, from a very young age, my grandma has taught me that failures
never can beat a strong man unless the man frustrate himself so that even
though I failed the exams, belief always sticks on my heart. It is my
grandmother who made me adamant, supporting me to keep trying. On the other hand,
surprisingly, improvement also happens in some more practical ways, which is
resulted from the old-fashioned education, such as money saving, efficient
utilization of time and so on.
What never fail to
fascinate me is that the older people are the more precious life experience
they have. People should admit that, they are, to a large degree, tended to believe
their old grandparents’ sentences than their cousins’. A recent case concerns
my friend, Georgia. She, initially, used to think her old family members were out
of fashion and even were lack of correct knowledge, making her usually fall
into ridiculous errors. Later on, however, she succeeded in life stuff by
taking her grandparents’ criticism. A few days ago, she just bought a sweet watermelon
by choosing the watermelon whose appearance was full of clear stripes.
Last but not
least, the questionnaires reveals that more old people are capable of using
computers, thereby the elderly are becoming modern, which is different from the
past thoroughly.
Consequently, it
is widely acknowledge that we gain advantages from the conversation between the
old and us. To sum up, it is admittedly true that old people have some timeworn
ideas whereas most of their opinions benefit us due to three reasons I have
mentioned before.

Answer 1

你好,
个人觉得文章不错,措辞丰富,语句饱满而有内涵,然则亦有仍需修正之处（不知对否）~
文章虽然用连接词很合理的列举了三个论证方面,但是三个论证方面略显模糊,每一条观点下面的具体论证也没有实打实的点到观点上.举你论证比较详细的第一二条来说,第一条,eternal truth,然后下面的解释里面（who have already used their experience to validate them）,中提到experience,然后运用例证,证明的很好. 不过到了第二条,论据是experience,例子是所谓的饱满的西瓜（可以想象,很有可能又是老一辈的eternal truth 教你买到好西瓜的）,所以,我的意思是,第一条和第二条完全重复,你甚至把第二条的例子加到第一条里也没人说有问题,再加上你的第三条论证几乎等于没说,还不如不要,因为凭什么他们用电脑就应该听他们的?因为他们跟得上时代了,那么,请问为什么跟得上时代就应该听他们的?记住：永远要解释到最后一步!
文章主体写的很糟糕,不过你的功底很好啦,就是记住一些应试的技巧,例子要简明有力,论证的两个大方面要做到毫无重叠,可以不追求花哨句式,但是内容一定要饱满有说服力.
还有问题可以问我.