帮我看看这篇托福作文能拿多少分谢谢?请各位大牛给点意见Withtheboomingeconomicdevelopments,moreandmoremodernizedfactoriesarebuiltinordertomeettheincreasingproducts'demandofthepeople.Peoplepreferdrivingpr

Question

帮我看看这篇托福作文能拿多少分谢谢?请各位大牛给点意见
With the booming economic developments,more and more modernized factories are built in order to meet the increasing products' demand of the people.People prefer driving private cars to work,as well as taking airplane to other cities,which contribute to the severe environmental problems.Some people argues that it is better to live in the countryside to take care of their families for that there are less pollution and pressure.However as far as I am concerned,I'd rather live in the city for the following reasons.
First,it is universally acknowledged that city life is more convenient and more colorful.The widely spread of the Internet ,which has transformed opportunities for leaning and communicating,collapses the distance and also increases the number of brilliant minds we can have working together on the same problem---and that scales up the rate of innovation to a staggering degree.Furthermore,a variety of ways are provided in the city for people to relax and enjoy the life.For instance,kids can go to the park to fun.Teenagers usually go to the theater or KTV for recreation.Moreover,adults prefer the tea house to relieve their pressure.By contrast,you will live a easy but tedious life in the countryside.
Second,children in the cities can have better access to the advanced facilities and other teaching resources which do good to their future.In school,children can make learn not only academic knowledge but also some precious abilities like cooperation and interpersonal skills.Also,they can have more opportunities to do some internship or part-time job to learn more practical skills and to find out what they are interested in.
Admittedly,there are one or two downsides to live in cities.For instance,there are a lot of traffic jams in rush hours and the environment is not that good.However,as more and more people are aware of the severe problems,people now take subways or ride bikes to work more often.So it will help to reduce the pollution.
In the conclusion,though people can have a good habit and embrace the nature while living in the countryside,It is more convenient and pleased for people to live in the cities for they can have more choices for study as well as entertainment.

Answer 1

1.第一段”modernized factories are built in order “改为”modernized factories have been built"注意时态的合理性.
2.however后面要由逗号
3.托福作文不能缩写,要体现出正式."I'd rather" 改成" I would rather"
4.第二第三段的过渡词偏低级.因为第四段你用了让步,所以过度词用"In addition"和"What is more"等等
5.不要一直用"more" OK?
6.最后一段"In the conclusion"改成"In conclusion"
7.The widely spread of the Internet ,which has transformed opportunities for leaning and communicating,collapses the distance and also increases the number of brilliant minds we can have working together on the same problem---and that scales up the rate of innovation to a staggering degree.说实话,这个句子很乱.建议拆分成短句,简洁明了些
8.“kids can go to the park to fun”改成“kids can go to parks for fun"注意冠词和介词的使用
9.没有"by contrast"这一说,改成" In contrast"
10." children can make learn "没有这一说,去掉make
11.托福作文的结尾要求 总结+提出期盼.这里只有总结了.后面再加上 So,it is advisable for people to live in cities,instead of conrysides.
12.看得出来,你有一定的基础.但你的用句很多都不地道,这是最大的问题.建议你多读写原文,积累语感.多用自己读到过的,有把握的句子来写,不要随意搭配.
13.你的作文应该是good,但是最下层的good,25分