求大牛给我的托福作文打分,提提建议Topic：Doyouagreethatpeopleshouldhavehobbiesanddophysicalactivitiesthatareverydifferentfromone’swork?WhenIwasyoung,myparentsencouragedmealottodevelophobbiesanddophysi

Question

求大牛给我的托福作文打分,提提建议
Topic：Do you agree that people should have hobbies and do physical activities that are very different from one’s work?
When I was young,my parents encouraged me a lot to develop hobbies and do physical activities.I believe that people should have some hobbies and do physical activities that are different from their job,in order to live a more relaxed life,know more friends and have better inspirations in his work.
First of all,Hobbies other than one’s job can provide a good opportunity to relax and recharge.My current job is a programmer,but I’m very good at playing piano and playing basketball.These hobbies keep me busy in my spare time,and help me to build a positive attitude toward life.I spend the mornings in the weekends running in the park,and then play basketball with friends.Every day before I sleep,I will play piano for a while.Although sometimes I have to work overtime in the night,I still maintain the manner.
Secondly,hobbies that different from one’s job enable him/her to know more people from different background.For example,by learning chess,my sister knew a friend from NGO which helps kids to rebuild their school in western China,and this friend eventually changed my sisters’ major choice from Finance to Public Affairs.Some may argue that these changes are unpredictable,but it’s a fact that you grow more when you hear more different stories and opinions.
Finally,hobbies could provide inspirations to one’s work.For example,a British doctor likes to watch F1 games,and is amazed by the efficiency of the pit crews – they can replace the tires,fill the gas and accomplish a variety of other activities within as short as 4.3 seconds.He sent his team to learn from the pit crews,and applied the pit crew team’s model in surgery process,and significantly increased the success rate as well as the speed.If the man doesn’t like watch F1 games,it’s impossible for him to find the connection between pit crews and surgery doctors.
In conclusion,I believe that one should have hobbies and do physical activities other than his job,which help him to relax,provide more opportunities to make friends and learn from others,and also could bring inspirations to his daily work.

Answer 1

这个题目的确不好写,但为了你的成长请原谅我狂风暴雨的攻击
这篇文章如果30满分,只能拿20
首先从整体看,三个观点全是用举例的方法,这就不太合适,给人的感觉结构单一,可以用比较法,推论发,而且第二个原因有些牵强
从你用例证的方法看,举例子不是光有例子就好,要有分析,第一步先举例,二用细节分析例子,三重述结论,四扩大外沿,意思就是让你的例子有代表性
建议你去新东方培育一下,至少了解一下英语作文的行文思路,美国人的思维方式和论证方式,多背满分范文