根据你的建议我又填充了一下文章,麻烦你指导指导,星期二就要交了,TT还有最后的解决方案,我在纠结要用suchas引出,还是用firstly..然后再补充说明.andthen我的结尾略挫,Inchina,Ithinkthemostse

Question

根据你的建议我又填充了一下文章,麻烦你指导指导,星期二就要交了,T T
还有最后的解决方案,我在纠结要用such as 引出,还是用firstly..然后再补充说明.and then 我的结尾略挫,
In china,I think the most serious problem is in education,specifically the UniversityEntrance Exam.The University Entrance Examination hasbecome a battlefield already for thousands of students.From the moment westepped into the Senior High school,we are told by our parents and teachersthat to stand out at the final exam is our only target....（省略）
We cannot stop thinking ..But faced mountains of homework,exams andtests every day,they even have no time to breathe,have no time to dosomething they like.
So,how can the problem be solved?...Asfar as I am concerned,it is not an effective way to solve the problem.Maybein economist’s view,it is just a simple problem about shortage,or excess of quantity demanded over quantity supplied.The quantity demand of students whowant to attend the top schools is larger than the quantity supply of topcolleges from government.We should take some effective measures,such as breakingdown school-running mode which controlled by government,cancelling theartificial barriers in limiting private education,treating all universities inadmissions and policy alike and abolishing the monotony of university rankingand evaluation mechanism.
Nothingin the world is difficult for one who sets his mind to it.We should our bestto overcome the difficulties and make our social healthier.

Answer 1

好多了.如果能加上一点讨论,就是supply-demand problem是政策问题即官方对学校的不公平政策和对私立学校的打压造成的,你后面提出的解决办法就更有根据了.不过即使现在这样就已经很不错了.
我没看到哪里需要用such as或firstly.结尾有点突兀,你需要加一两句和前面的讨论联系起来.
In china,I think the most serious problem is in education,specifically the University Entrance Exam.This exam has become a battlefield for millions of students,who are told by their parents and teachers,from the moment they step into the senior high school,that their only goal in life is to excel in it so that they can attend one of the top universities in China....（省略）
We cannot stop thinking ..But facing mountains of homework,exams and tests every day,they have no time to do something they like,no time to even breathe.（这里even breathe更严重,所以要放在后面）
So,how can the problem be solved?...As far as I am concerned,there is not an easy way to solve the problem.Thinking as an economist,maybe it is just a simple problem about shortage,or excess of quantity demanded over quantity supplied.The quantity demand of students who want to attend the top schools is larger than the quantity supply of top colleges.We should take some effective measures,such as changing the way these schools are run,which is controlled by government,removing the artificial barriers in limiting private education,treating all universities equally in admissions and funding policies,and abolishing the monotony of university ranking and evaluation mechanism.（monotony用在这里合适么?我不确定）
Nothing in the world is difficult for one who sets his mind to it.We should do our best to overcome these difficulties and make our social environment healthier for the future generations.