托福独立写作帮忙改一下吧,按托福的标准给一下分,可以的话提个建议看怎样能上3分.agreeordisagree:Sincepeoplecaresocialrecognitionmorethanmoney,theywillworkhardertoobtainsocialrecognitioneventhoughther

Question

托福独立写作帮忙改一下吧,按托福的标准给一下分,可以的话提个建议看怎样能上3分.
agree or disagree:Since people care social recognition more than money,they will work harder to obtain social recognition even though there is no more money given.
Nowadays,some people hold the opinion that people work for money,but others have a different attitude,they think people work for public recognition.As far as I am concerned,I think people work must for money.
The main reason for my view that people care more about money is that people always choose job by compare how much money can a company offer.My uncle is a good example.He was a manager of an IT company before,but his salary in that company is only two third of his salary now.Money makes him went to the company he stays now,even if he is only a technology worker here.
What' more,I think the money is important because we can use money to do lots of things that the public recognition cannot give.We can buy want we like by our salary and travel to several place by money,even if you are a people who is famous,you should also pay for the things.Money sometimes cannot be replaced by any other things.That’s why I think money is more important than public recognition.
Last but not least,I believe public recognition may caused by money to some extent.There are a lot of people who get their public recognition because of their money.For instant,Bill Gates is famous because he is the richest person all over the world.The most people know him because of his money but not he is the leader of IBM.This kind of people who have a public recognition was always working for money at beginning and when they earn enough money,they will get their public recognition.
However,there is also a small part of some people work for public recognition.One of their common characteristic is that they already have enough money to use,so they can keep their life without earning money.
In a nutshell,I believe people work for money because money is the key to make their life going on and live more comfortable.

Answer 1

1、语法和词汇错误太多了⋯⋯
2、比尔盖茨不是IBM的什么人啊,他不是微软的嘛⋯⋯
3、last but not least在第二个论点出来的时候就用上不合适
4、现在托福作文是30分的满分为标准了
建议自己反复修改一下词汇和语法,比方单复数、时态这些最为基本的写作要点.另外要注意一下单词的运用.比方说直接用we can *** by money,就不如用With money,we could turn lots of dreams into reality,such as traveling abroad,purchasing our favorite things,and helping more people in need.