恳请英语达人指点下我写的雅思作文,Somepeoplethinkthatitisimportanttouseleisuretimeforactivatesthatimprovethemind,suchasreadinganddoingwordpuzzles.Otherpeoplefeelthatitisimportanttorestthemindduringleis

Question

恳请英语达人指点下我写的雅思作文,
Some people think that it is important to use leisure time for activates that improve the mind,such as reading and doing word puzzles.Other people feel that it is important to rest the mind during leisure time.
Discuss both these views and give your opinion.
回答：
Whether leisure time should be used to enhance the development of mind,is a controversial issue which has been discussed for decades.People hold divergent views for such issue,while some individuals contend that leisure period is also considered to be the optimum occasion for some mind training programs such as reading journals,many others argue that human brain needs rest,therefore break time must be used for mind refreshment.
This essay attempts to analysis and discusses both views and expresses my personal opinions.
There are numerous reasons to prove that mind development is an on-going process throughout human lives,nevertheless the major reason is the disadvantage of the majority of mankind,which is short memory.Excluding those generous who are the minority of population,it is not difficult to realise that the older we are,the harder for us to learn new knowledge.This is the critical reason why learning speed for elders are much slower than journivel.Therefore in order to avoid short memory,citizens,especially senior citizens should use their leisure time for catch up so the knowledge gap between themselves and the young will not expend any further.
Brain development is an on-going program,however it is not to say that we ought to spend all of our leisure time for such purpose.
A machine which runs 24 hours a day,7 days a week,will definitely be over-loaded and explores someday.So as human brain.It is not uncommon that our mind will be “over- loaded” if we concentrate on studying throughout a day.As a result,we attempt to forget almost everything which gained form pervious days.To avoid this situation happens,break time,no matter how long it is,has been wildly introduced to both workplaces and schools.
To sum up,by taking into account both sides of the argument,I am of the opinion that maid training program and relaxation activities are both necessary during people’s leisure time.Only through integrating those processes will human brain been optimum developed.

Answer 1

语法：
二段,少介词in my opinions ,删掉 personal 多此一举
三段,nevertheless转折用得很奇怪,你显然是想表达如何让记忆长久,不要用从句,直接写成The major obstacle for memory is that it can not last for a long time
还有Excluding those generous who are the minority of population,不明白你想表达什么,generous做何解?不如直接删掉
senior citizens should use their leisure time for catch up ,这里for后面应是动名词
五段：explore用得肯定错误 ；其次,so as human brain 应是so does
pervious应为previous；To avoid this situation happens,将happen去掉,no matter how long it is改成it takes
六段,I am of the opinion that 没这个说法,改为i can easily drew the conclusion that.；
maid training program and relaxation activities are both necessary 改成both mind training program and relaxation activities are necessary ；
will human brain been optimum developed,been改为be
文章结构：
1、运用for the former statement.for the latter one,让人能很清晰你是在分析前者还是后者;尤其是给阅卷者一看就明白你的结构,比较容易给分
2、论据比较薄弱,尤其是说在闲暇时做一些开发智力的活动那一段,你应该是说了两个层面的东西,一个是说开发智力能有效解决短期记忆容易遗忘的问题,另一个是说记忆会随着年龄增加而容易遗忘,最好用连接词,on one hand .on the other hand.一方面.另一方面这样的结构