帮忙看看这段话有问题么?（如果有请指出来）Hello.mydearteachers.Iamveryhappytoabletobeabletostandheretoday.BcauseIwilltellyoumydream.Mydreamistobeastar.Bcuasefirstly,Icanhavemuchmoney.Secondly,Icant

Question

帮忙看看这段话有问题么?（如果有请指出来）
Hello.my dear teachers.I am very happy to able to be able to stand here today.Bcause I will tell you my dream.My dream is to be a star. Bcuase firstly,I can have much money.Secondly,I can turn out mang beautiful clothes.That looks nice.Thirdly,I like Jolin very much.Becuase she is good at singing and dancing.At last,I can make friends with noted stars. I had finished,thank you.

Answer 1

第一行：第二句改为"I am so happy to be able to stand here ." ；第三句：最好改为"For I am going to tell you about my dream."；
第二行："star"让人一开始摸不到头脑,建议改为"famous singer"；还有这么短的演讲,不要用"firstly,secondly..."；
全文最后一句话时态不对,还有立意的出发点有点问题.
帮你重写一份吧,如下：
Hello,my dear teachers.Today,I am so happy to be able to stand here to talk about one of my dreams.That is I want to be a famous singer .
Jolin is my idol who is really good at singing and dancing,and it is she who makes me have this dream.If I became a singing star,I would meet her as well as many noted people.And also,I could make a lot of money,so I could use it to help a lot of people in need.Helping others is a happy thing to me,too.
That is what my dream's all about,I will study harder to make it real.
And finally,thanks for your time.