雅思作文批改建议,都欢迎……Theunpaidcommunityserviceshouldbeanecessarypartinhighcollegeprograms(suchashelpingyourneighbororteachingthechildrensportsorworkingforthecharity).Towhatextentdoyouagreeordisag

Question

雅思作文 批改 建议,都欢迎……
The unpaid community service should be a necessary part in high college programs (such as helping your neighbor or teaching the children sports or working for the charity).To what extent do you agree or disagree?
我的作文：（我是在40分钟内写完的）
Nowadays,in some universities and high schools,the volunteer works such as teaching the teenagers,working for the charity organizations and helping the neighbours,without asking for money,have been placed as a program.Some people worried about whether these activities are meaningful and important.From my own perspective,these unpaid community services play a educational role in students growth and this program should be recognized by more people.
Students can benefit a lot from the unpaid volunteer activities.To begin with,they can perceive the valuable thoughts that do not living for money and feel the happiness of helping others.Specifically,at present some people who is always only concern about themselves and neglect the others feelings,doubtless,these guys will be dislike and eliminated to the team.As a consequence they develop into hatred for others and society.Therefore,it is essential for students to know the idea.Furthermore,if our students just know how to study their subjects and do not have the chances to get access to the society,when they graduate for school,they would have a hard time in emerge to the society.It is manifest that no company will accept bookworm.Last but not least,through these unpaid jobs,the student may acquire the knowledge and and experience beyond the books.Definitely these advantages will help the student grow up rapidly.So for the sake of the growth of the children,it is smart decision for universities and high college to add the program.
Although these works will take up some parts of the students precious studying time and some time may occur accidents.But when properly organized,these problems should not happen.
To sum up,the activities is considerably significant and valuable and will benefit for the whole life.I sincerely hope more universities and high colleges placed the program .
我的希望：
First of all,i appropriate your analysis .Next ,i sincerely want you to point out the details for the gamer mistakes ,i mean where are they ,it is very nice of you use () or red colour to make it clear .Last but not least,again ,i reaaaaly appreciate your kindness and valuable time .

Answer 1

(in the modern days),(volunteer works have been placed as a program in some of the universities and high schools,for instant,teaching teenagers,working for charity organizations and helping neighbours,etc without money been asked.) (But) some people (are) worried about whether these activities are meaningful and important.From my own perspective,these unpaid community services play (an) educational role in students growth and ()should be recognized by more people.
Students can benefit a lot (through) unpaid volunteer activities,(especially for those who are always concerned about themselves and neglecting the feelings of others.) To begin with,they can perceive ()valuable thoughts (of) not (just purely)living for money and feel the happiness (when) helping others.(People who are doubtless will be disliked and eliminated from the team,) as a consequence,(hatred for others and societies will grow and rot inside them.) Therefore,it is essential for students to (be aware of this concept).Furthermore,if our students (only) know how to (study hard in school) and do not have the (opportunities) to get (involved in) societies,(by the time) they graduate (from) (schools),they would (face certain difficulties when getting to know societies.) It is (obvious) that no company (accepts bookworms.) Last but not least,through these unpaid jobs students may acquire ()knowledge and (experiences) beyond the books,these advantages will (definitely) help (students to) grow up rapidly.So for the (growth of children's) sake ,it is (a) smart decision for universities and high (colleges) to add the program (of volunteer works).
Although these (volunteer) works will take up some (precious studying times)of ()students and (sometimes accidents could occur),(but through proper planning and organizing),these problems should not happen.
To sum up (my viewpoints),(volunteer) activities (are) considerably significant and valuable and will benefit for (ur) whole life,I sincerely hope more universities and high colleges (arrange) the program.
楼主的英文很不错,语法和用词要稍微注意一下,有一点中式在里面.有时间可以多阅读一些英文书籍或杂志,多了解一些文章的结构和写法.
我帮你改的也不能说是很专业,我毕竟还在读高二.