您好，可以帮我看看这篇考研大作文么？自己写的，但是不知道会不会有什么错处没检查出来囧Therearetwopicturesaboutcommercialfishingabove;wecanseevariousfishesandjustoneshipfromtheformer,whilet

Question

您好，可以帮我看看这篇考研大作文么？自己写的，但是不知道会不会有什么错处没检查出来 囧
There are two pictures about commercial fishing above; we can see various fishes and just one ship from the former, while the latter shows that only one fish but a lot of ships were on the sea after six years ago.
What the two pictures convey to us is a thought-provoking phenomenon around the world. For seeking more commercial benefits, our human beings are exploiting ocean resources without limitation. But the speed of breeding of fish in the ocean can never catch up with that of increasing of human’s desire for commercial fishing benefits, and then we get the result that we have got no fish there. It is just like suicide that we running out too much resource to suffice our requirements for basic living at last. More fishing, more chance we can survive is lost.
So, it is imperative for us to take effective measures that may change this situation. On the one hand, we must appeal to our country to limit the degree of commercial fishing and the amount of fishing ships by making laws. One another, awareness of protecting ocean resources should be born in mind for everybody all over the world. Only in this way can we keep natural balance and only in this way can we have a harmonious world to live in.

Answer 1

There are two pictures about commercial fishing above; we can see various fishes and just one ship from the former, while the latter shows that only one fish but a lot of ships were on the sea after six years ago.
What the two pictures convey to us is a thought-provoking phenomenon around the world. For seeking more commercial benefits, our human beings are exploiting ocean resources without limitation. However, the speed of breeding of fish in the ocean can never catch up with that of increasing of human’s desire for commercial fishing benefits, and then we get the results that we have got no fish there. It is just like suicide that we running out too much resource to suffice our requirements for basic living at last. More fishing, more chance we can survive is lost.
So, it is imperative for us to take effective measures that may change this situation. On the one hand, we must appeal to our country to limit the degree of commercial fishing and the amount of fishing ships by making laws. One another, awareness of protecting ocean resources should be born in mind for everybody all over the world. Only in this way can we keep natural balance and only in this way can we have a harmonious world to live in.
don't ever start a sentence with "but", use 'however' instead :)
good luck~!