帮忙看看我的英语作文研究生课程,要求是选一个题目写一段话,要有明确的主题,叙述和总结,我选的题目是WhyIneedtoownahouse下面是我的文章,++++topic++++WhyIneedtoownahouse++++toipcsentence++++

Question

帮忙看看我的英语作文
研究生课程,要求是选一个题目写一段话,要有明确的主题,叙述和总结,我选的题目是Why I need to own a house
下面是我的文章,
++++ topic ++++
Why I need to own a house
++++ toipc sentence ++++
When I was young,my parents moved house too many times which resulted that I have never been living in a place for longer than 3 years and I instinctively have a strong impulse to own a house of my own.
++++ supporting sentence ++++
Every time I went to a brandnew place,I lost almost all my former friends and fuzzy but impressive memories.I needed to get to know some new people,at the time that I didn't know I would not see them years later,this seems so incomprehensible to a kid when thinking back.I realized that too flowing life just likes a quick meal that you will never know who the chef is.The best life should be settled and peaceful,in which I can immerse into the happiness to stay with my familiar things instead of the sense of distance when I'm facing all strange stuffs.I need to live with people I like instead of those who I have to be cautious to,I need to live in a space existing in a way I design instead of a room always likes the appearance I first saw it,I need to live as I like to some extent instead of constantly adjusting the surroundings.
++++ concluding sentence ++++
A house Doesn't make a home,but a home can't do without a house.

Answer 1

尽量没改变你的主旨,修正了下语法错误,括号里是建议增加的部分,因为第二段的论据有点远了,所以往回扯了扯,供参考.百度显示不了标记,你可以在word里比对下.
++++ topic ++++
Why I need to own a house
++++ toipc sentence ++++
When I was young, my family has moved so many times that I have never stayed in a place for more than 3 years and natually grown with a strong desire of owining a house of my own.
++++ supporting sentence ++++
Every time we moved to a brandnew place, I lost most of my previous friends together with the vague but precious memories.I would have to meet and acquaint with new people, even when I didn't know if I could see them in the years ahead. This is difficult, especially for a kid at the age of mine. Life to me, back then, was like a plate of fast food that you wouldn't know who the master chef is. (You just stuck in whatever in the plate and left for another meal.) The life of my dream is settled and peaceful,in which I can immerse into the happiness of staying with familiar people or things that I'm attahced to instead of all the unknown people or things that always have a sense of distance. I feel more comfortable to live with people I like rather than those who I have to keep an eye on, in a space which I designed rather than which remains the appearance presented by others, in the way I'm used to rather than constantly compromising for the the surroundings. (Owing a house could enable myself to design it the way I want it to be, stay long and cultivate long term relations with neighbors and friends.)
++++ concluding sentence ++++
A house Doesn't make a home,but my dream home can't do without a house. That is why I need to own a housr.