修改托福作文顺便打个分,分数不是很多了!45.Somepeopleprefertogetupearlyinthemorningandstarttheday'swork.Othersprefertogetuplaterinthedayandworkuntillateatnight.Whichdoyouprefer?Usespecificreasonsande

Question

修改托福作文
顺便打个分,分数不是很多了!
45.Some people prefer to get up early in the morning and start the day's work.Others prefer to get up later in the day and work until late at night.Which do you prefer?Use specific reasons and examples to support your choice.
Contemporarily,there are a number of people who prefer to ger up early in the moring,while others believe that it is beneficail for them to get up later in the day and work till late night.For my part,I am favorble to the former for the reasons as follows.
First of all,geting up early may make people healthy.According to a recent survey,almost 34.5%of the population has a habit to get up early,and the most significant incentive for them,to a large extent,is the fresh air in the morning.Statistics show that the period in which the pollutants are in the lowest level is the moring and people who do morning exercises regularly have less possibility to be sick than that who seldom do morning exercises,such as ones who go to work at night.Which illustrates my point that people may benefit from getting up early.
Furthermore,getting up early is good for the effect of students' study.Scientist belive that there are certain kinds of transmitters in human's brain,which could enhance the excitivity of the students,thus to make the students alert in class.However,according to another experiment,the more people sleep,the fewer transmitters the brian could produce.Therefore,that is the reason why even if most of the students get up very late and are still sleepy in class.
Finally,people's daily schedule doesn't allow them to get up late.Few would dispute that a large number of people like to get up late,nevertheless,they can't.For example,as employees,they have to follow the regulation that the arriving time is before seven;as students,they have to attend class at 8.
From what has been discussed above,it can be easily seen that there are really so many benefits if people get up early in the morning and start the day's work,thus great effort should be made to publicize the advantages that people get up early in the morning.

Answer 1

结构ok,没什么问题.
但发现标点符号似乎有点小问题,我把全文拷贝到Word里面算字数的时候通篇都是红色,比如逗号后面没有跟一个空格或者句号没有跟2个空格,而且通篇如此,不知道作者是不是不是很了解标点符号的基本用法还是忘了,要知道托福作文是打字的,你有没有正确使用标点和空格一目了然,在这个上失分未免太亏,还是平时习惯要保持好.
这是比较典型的一面倒作文,语言没仔细看,感觉上还是比较流畅的,论述上稍微注意一点,不要让考官找到可以challenge你的地方,举个例子,第一个point你说早起空气好,作锻炼对身体有好处,本身有没有问题?没有,绝对ok,但是文章的题目是早起工作,到了你这里变成了早起锻炼,这样就削弱了你的说服力,因为没有直接和题目联系起来；
又比如第二个point,你提到了人睡得越多,大脑里就越缺少某些有助于学习的化学物质,但题目是说早起,不是让人不睡觉,早起并不代表睡得一定少,因为可能晚上睡得也很早,同样晚起的人可能睡得更晚,睡眠时间可能更少,再说人也不可能为了保持某些化学物质的水平而睡得越少越好,所以你的逻辑推理链条是断的,或者说,你偷换了概念.
最近看了几篇作文,都是类似的问题,就是逻辑推理不合理,或者偷换概念,或者说说就说偏了,这大多是中文作文带过来的问题,所以还是要在思维严密度上下功夫,毕竟作文里这是很重要的.
总篇幅300字左右,如果论述再深入一点写到350字左右,我觉得结构上就比较完美了.
个人意见,作者的外语底子还是相当好的,30分的话,25分差不多,碰到不是很严的考官也许能26或者27,碰到严一点的可能会被压到23-24.