求大神看这篇雅思多少分PersonallyIstronglybelievethatmusicplaysanessentialroleinourdailylife.Firstofall,weareundertoomuchpressureofworkingandsoon.Somethinglikethatdogoodtoourdelicatenerve.AndI'llshowyous

Question

求大神看这篇雅思多少分
Personally I strongly believe that music plays an essential role in our daily life.First of all,we are under too much pressure of working and so on.Something like that do good to our delicate nerve.And I'll show you some examples as followed,as the greatest scientist ever in the world,Albert Einstein is do well in playing violin.Just as what he said,music helped him a lot when he was trapped into a dilemma in study of physics.Nowadays we are more easily to get in a dilemma or get angry,then we need some help to help us out and calm us down.Then there is no choice better than music.Secondly, it can help us appeal others.Imagine you are playing the piano in front of a large audience,the beautiful girls or handsome boys are fond of you.How excellent it will be!Last but not least,music make us have better comprehension of nature and life,thus teaches us more than expectation.
Then we move on to the next question,I hold the believe that there is no point telling which kind music of the two is better.Just like two brothers,one is good at math,and the other do well in physics.If asked which child he like better,the father will feel it hard to choose one.Though international music is booming these days,nobody can promise that traditional music won't be fashion.We can know one thing that people's taste of music changes by time.As far as I am concerned,there is no use arguing which kind of music is better.Both of them is adorable.Only time will see.

Answer 1

we are under too much pressure of working and so on－这句话可以改下,we are under too much pressure from work,life,or study.
Something like that do good to our delicate nerve-动词形式不对,然后感觉有点中式英语.something like that does/ can do good to us.我直接说,music can change our mood or can ease our nerve.你如果实在想说的很scientific,你可以这样说,music,if chosen correctly,can dramatically increase your pleasure states in your brain.
And I'll show you some examples as followed－这个说的有点僵硬.
as the greatest scientist ever in the world,Albert Einstein－Albert Einstein,one of the greatest scientists in the world（说谦虚点好,不要说他就是最棒的,看你考卷的考官万一不喜欢他,怎么办?）,然后之后的时态,不能用is了.
then we need some help to help us out and calm us down－help太多了,可以说we need sth to help,or ,we need some help to let us calm down.
Then there is no choice better than music.-话说的太绝对了,你可以说music can be a good choice.
appeal others-appeal to sb.或者你说attract就可以了.
Imagine you are playing the piano in front of a large audience,the beautiful girls or handsome boys are fond of you－这个例子用的比较肤浅,我觉得.
teaches us more than expectation－这个我不是很清楚,
the other do well／he like better－动词形态,does,likes
the father will feel it hard to choose one-中式英语,the father will find it difficult to choose/ make a decision.
be fashion－traditional music won't be fashionable again./in fashion
We can know- 不要用can ,we are sure about one thing is that ...
总体感觉还可以,层次还是比较清晰的.就是你要注意动词和主语要一致,然后尽量用英文的思维来思考.例子还可以举的更有深意.来support你的观点.
之后那个2个里选一个,我不知道现在的雅思的要求是什么,你可以模棱两可吗?我记得我以前学的时候,他们比较提倡,支持一种观点.